As I reach for my computer at 2:22 am, my mind races with all God has laid on my heart since Sunday.
The clues have been all around me; funny how I saw this in a Facebook post just yesterday. Real Talk Kim had posted that HE had left clues everywhere to connect the dots.
I get it, God, I have connected the dots.
After getting a call that no one wanted to hear yesterday, I have been putting many things into perspective.
When you hear stage 4 pancreatic cancer, your first thoughts are fuck!
My mind only wanted to go to the positive side, that’s what I did for my dad, and that is what I would do for any situation. Sometimes though, like is not positive.
Every morning through the week, I get on a clearing call, “What do you need to say to be present” each morning I hear. I am usually the first person to jump up and say something; I used to think well, that is messed up! Why do I have some much shit to clear?
I am told by the leader of the call each time that everyone learns from what I need to clear. What you’re going through, someone else is too. This is how everyone gets to hear things from other people listening.
In yesterday’s call, I shared about the phone call I just received, and I said OK, Yoda, what do you do with this?
How do you play on the court of life with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis? Silence for a minute.
Then, “Be who that person needs you to be.” Have the hard conversations that no one else will, and help this person wrap up what is left of their life so that there are no regrets.
I was in the bathroom, and I can remember my stance; I had my arms on the counter and looked in the mirror, and the theme song of Rocky was playing in my mind.
On the call, I also told the group I was not afraid to die. Reflecting on this, I can say that it is 100% true. I know who is waiting up there for me, and it doesn’t scare me at all to leave Earth.
Obviously, there is a way I want to go, and that is not a painful death. I have made it quite clear to my husband how I want to go, and he knows his assignment, lol. Can you imagine the legend he will be? Lol Yes, I am laughing as I write this.
In those moments, I have been reflecting a lot. God brought me here to be a gift to the world. Funny how that is what my name means. Gift of GOD. I have not fully embraced that till now.
In my clearing call yesterday, I was reminded of that. I was told that my gift to the world is to be there for people and to listen to them. My first thought was to be who they needed me to be, but damn, I get all the hard assignments.
I have been getting loud and clear messages, but you can handle them! I have been resisting that; I have been resisting that people come to me because they know I will talk about the hard things.
I have gone through several hard things to relate to you. I even started my shows so that people would know they were never alone in their circumstances. I DID that, yet, I resisted being the go-to person in my family and my circle for everyone.
This girl is not afraid of death but of what people would think about her. Damn, that was a hard pill to swallow yesterday.
So, the downloads I have been getting from God since then have been life-altering.
This reformed people pleaser who has been working on herself nonstop for 15 years finally got it this morning at 2:22 am. If you’re not afraid of death, why do you fear going all in on life?
Ouch, that one stung a bit.
Every day I get on the court of life, but I noticed I would hold back a bit in certain areas. Don’t get me wrong, I am a completely different person than who I was last year to even this year, and I am slowly getting who GOD wants me to be, but when I heard those words asked of me, I was like, damn!!!
I can have a conversation with people yet afraid to charge for my services; I can help you with your problems all day long but talk about how your business can benefit from advertising on my show; I would get tripped up! Me who is not afraid to die but will not open her damn mouth to ask for what she needs.
I had to sit with that for a moment; I have been on the court for two years playing all in on sharing your message, getting it seen to the masses, building 160+ episodes finding a business partner who will bring this production company to a whole new level, we are on Roku a potential 65 million households but yet I have been in a holding pattern and not talking about what my business needs so that you’re not offended?
Me working full-time, running a household, two live shows a week, and building a network and a platform for you to be seen on, yet not asking for what I need. HOW messed up is that?
But I got the message, GOD, I got it!
I am not afraid of death, and now I am no longer in bondage to the chains of keeping my mouth shut on what I know will serve you.
All this from one phone call; thank you, Jesus, for opening my eyes. I am going through all that I have gone through to help and serve people, my family, and myself.
I also have been reflecting on whom God has brought into my life.
For the last year and a half, I have been working with veterans and first responders, and I could never understand why I have a strong bond with them. They are truly like my brothers and sisters.
I get them; they get me. We are one big happy family 😊. They challenge me; I challenge them. God has brought these men and women into my life to remind me of my heritage and the legacy of my family, who has served and is currently serving.
They remind me of the person I will continue to be, be my word, be always there for my brother or sister (have each other six), bear arms (doesn’t have to be a weapon of mass destruction), and be who they need me to be while being true to myself, being open and honest so that everyone wins. No man or woman is left behind.
With that, my friends, be the person you need to be, say what you need to say, and never let anyone or anything hold you back! You only have one life; live it.
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